17 December 2008

Success through Seccession

The roll of our federal government seems to have grown beyond what our fore fathers had envisioned for it. Its gotten too big to manage very well and there isn't a realistic way to scale it back. Until now..

The phone company had the solution all the time and we just never saw it. I only pay for the services I want from the phone company. If I don't want callerId I don't have to pay for it. If I don't want call waiting I don't pay for it.

Here is the solution. We all secede from the union. At least in a way. Then the government offers services. If your state wants Federal Protection from invaders then you subscribe to that service. If you want socialized medicine then you can subscribe to that. Welfare, Medicare, Social Security? All services. Need the FBI or CIA for something? Contract them out.

Each state can decide what services it needs and then pay for what they use. Maybe the federal government can give volume discounts to people who use a service more.

Maybe this system would provide opportunities for entrepreneurs who are able to provide services at a better value. It sure would stop frivolous spending. A government that competed for customers would be capitalism at its greatest.

07 December 2008

North Pole Bailout

Santa Claus was in Washington D.C. this week. He was testifying before congress. It turns out that Santa's workshop has been running in the red this year. High fuel prices in the 2nd and 3rd quarters along with the elves unionizing have driven up costs. He is asking for a bailout package of 10 billion dollars.

One of the issues that was brought up by congress was the fact that Santa showed up in his personal sleigh and didn't take a commercial flight.

Hope he gets his bailout before christmas.

25 November 2008

Insurance Reforms

Something weird happened to me. I wasn't really going to share it with people because it makes me sound like an idiot. But I am so angry that I have to tell someone.

About a month ago I was sleeping in my bed. I had the window open to let in a nice breeze because I like the cool fall breeze at night. Anyway while I was sleeping I had the strangest feeling that I was being watched. I was half awake so when I saw two giant black eyes peering at me through the window I thought I was just dreaming.

I went back to sleep and in the morning everything was normal. I would have left it at that. I would have thought that nothing happened and it was just a dream. But here is the part that really makes me angry.

I got a statement from my health insurance company yesterday. In the explaination of benefits it had charges from these nocturnal visitors. I never asked for an anal probe. And what's more my insurance wouldn't cover it because they are an out of network provider.

I am so mad! I'm not going to pay it. I'm not even sure where I would send a check anyway.

28 July 2008

Theaters Unfair to ADHD Sufferers

I took my family to see Wall-E a couple of weeks ago. I think there was about a paragraph of dialogue in the whole movie. But that isn't what I wanted to blog about. When I bought the tickets it occurred to me that even though I am paying for 5 seats, I get the children's seats cheaper than the adult seats. I don't think that as an adult I am getting any better service from the staff at the theater. I don't get extra padded seats. I don't really get anything of any extra value that the kids do. In fact, kids actually should cost more than adults because they are noisy, they can't sit still and they can reduce the value of the experience for adults.

So am I saying they should raise the price of tickets for children at the movies? No, I just think they should charge less for adults or provide something extra for the extra money that adults pay to see a movie. Also last time I checked 14 year old kids weren't adults, but I pay the adult rate for my 14 year old daughter...oh wow I just figured the whole thing out. They charge more for people that actually can sit still through the movie because they actually are seeing more of the movie. My 2 year old pays less because he only sees 5% of the movie. The rest of the time he is running up and down the isle.

If this is the reason than there should be a discount for people who are ADHD.

11 June 2008

Handy Crafts for Criminals

I was thinking the idea to keep kids safer by putting orange tips on toy guns was a nice idea. I have read news stories where someone was holding a toy gun and police thought it was real and shot the person. I am not sure how often it happens, but when I checked google there were quite a few of these stories.

While I was thinking about how great all of this was I wondered, "Why don't criminals just by some flourescent paint and paint the tips of their guns?".

10 June 2008

Technology and the Homeless Person

I went to lunch with some friends last week. When we had finished and were walking to the car, we met a beggar. As we past him he asked us if we had any spare change. In this day of technical advances in payment options, I find that I almost never carry cash.

You can pay for almost anything with just the swipe of a card. There are still a few situations that this doesn't work in. (My daughter would tell you that the downside is that I don't always have cash when the ice cream truck comes down our street.)

So as I told this beggar that I didn't have any change I wondered if begging was now an outdated business model, like the newspaper or the RIAA. If more people are like me then it must be a lot harder to find people that are carrying loose change.

So here is the new business model for beggars. Carry a hand held credit card machine. It will make people like me feel less guilty for not having change on them, and its probably quicker to swipe my card than it is for me to dig through my pockets for some spare change. I think beggars would make more money per person as well. Who wants to swipe their card for something under a dollar?

If you become a millionare using this suggestion, send a few bucks my way.

23 May 2008

When Did Tasers Become the In Thing?

So I must really be out of the loop. I thought that tasers were just something cops carried, but it looks like there is a whole market for taser based technologies.

Who would have though that the Taser Would Go Pink? How about a Leopard Print Taser that Plays Music? Even Santa, Mom, Playboy bunnies, and poker star Phil Hellmuth are getting into the taser scene.

Even old people are getting into it: 'Don't Tase Me, Sonny Boy'; Cops Zap Naked Senior, but don't get to excited about tasers or this can happen: 'Taser Shock Triggers Fire in Man's Pants' .

If you think carrying a taser is fashionable enough, you could be wrong. Now you could wear your taser on your clothes: 'Peel and Stick' Tasers Electrify Riot Control or if you have a fear being tased you could try these taser proof clothes: Tase This, Sucker .

I know everyone has seen these videos a million times, but they serve as a good reminder of what not to do when you have a run in with the law.

Deaf Guy? Gets Tased:

Don't Tase Me Bro:

25 April 2008

We Sold Our Souls For Rock and Roll

I posted this you tube video of 'The Guitar Duel' from the movie 'Crossroads' (not the lame Britney Spears movie, it's the lame Ralph Macchio movie) on a blog I share with my fellow bus riders. Its a movie about a kid that is looking for a lost Robert Johnson song and runs into an old blues man that sold his soul to the devil at the crossroad in exchange for fame, which didn't turn out the way he had planned.

Anyway it got me thinking about some of the deals the devil has made and how he has sort of gotten cheap these days.

1. The Rolling Stones
I think the best deal ever brokered with the devil was the Rolling Stones. They have had lots of hits even after they lost Brian Jones in a swimming pool accident. I suspect that Keith Richards may have already died and is a zombie now. But for the most part they are still making money.

2. Elvis
I think Elvis got too good of a deal. Most rock stars die before they get old and fat. It may actually have been by the mercy of God that Elvis was taken when he was.

3. The Doors
The Doors got a pretty fair deal. Jim Morrison stayed alive long enough to finish up his good music. He was just starting into the fat bearded days. His last album L.A. Woman had some great songs on it. I think if he would have done one more album it wouldn't have been as good.

4. The Who
They had a pretty good career they recorded 8 studio albums before losing Keith Moon in his sleep after an overdose of Heminevrin (a medication prescribed to him to combat alcohol withdrawal symptoms)

5. Led Zeppelin
Zeppelin were very successful from 1969 until 1980 when John Bonham died. The cause of death was asphyxiation from vomit. 11 years, I'd say they got a pretty good deal.

6. Jimi Hendrix
From 1967-1970 Jimi Hedrix created some of them most incredible guitar music ever made. In 1970 he drowned on his own vomit which contained mostly red wine. Not a long career, but he definitely got his souls worth out of the deal.

7. Bad Finger
They had a good amount of success from 1969 until 1975 when Pete Ham hanged himself in his garage studio and in 1983 Tom Evans hanged himself in the garden - both were over issues of money they were owed but never got. I think this was the begining of the devils bad deals.

8. Nirvana
They reigned in the grunge movement and ruled the airwaves from 1989 until 1994 when Kurt Cobain shot himself with a Shotgun. 5 years is a pretty short run. I think Cobain got the bad end of that deal. On the bright side Dave Grohl has had a great career with the Foo Fighters.

9. Blind Melon
Formed in 1991 and recorded 2 albums before Shannon Hoon died in 1995 after an all-night cocaine binge. He was found dead on the tour bus by his roadies. I'd say not a very good deal with the devil.

10. Sublime
This is the worst deal ever. The band recorded 3 albums between 1992 and 1996. Lead singer Bradley Nowell died of heroin overdose on May 25, 1996 in a hotel room, just two months before the release of their self-titled third record, which became hugely successful. He didn't get to enjoy and fame or fortune.

So while making deals with the devil was all the rage in the 60's and 70's, it's not the lucrative business it once was. If you are even considering making such a deal I would suggest you get a real good attorney. Also you may want to add an extra guy to that band that is expendable. Like they do in landing parties on Star Trek.

Most of the information found here came from Wikipedia and a little hard work.

One thing I meant to mention, Robert Johnson (the original soul seller) was poisoned in a Juke Joint by the husband of a woman he was flirting with there.

24 April 2008

Video Game Blame

** Production has begun on DOOM 4™ **

Sometimes I poke fun at video games by blaming things on them. Incase the sarcasm is missed, I just wanted to clarify my opinion on video games.

When I was 3 years old the game pong was released originally as a coin-operated arcade game by Atari Inc. It was on November 29, 1972.

Then came the Atari 2600 home video game console. I spent a lot of my hard earned money on games with big square pixelated games.

When I was in grade school I got my first computer. It was a little TRS-80 that attached to your TV set and had tiny little keys. I would by computer magazines that would list programming code in it. I would spend all day long typing in the code. Then I would debug it. Then if I was lucky It would work and I could play the game I spent all day typing into it. I would do that the rest of the day. Then, because I had no storage when I turned off the computer the game would be gone. I finally got a tape recorder that would save the program to audio casette. I went through a ti-99, Atari 800XL, IBM XT, Windows 3.1, 98, NT, XP. I ended up being a computer programmer.

I remember when the video game Doom came out. It was a very cool game. My buddy and I would play over the modem together. We even made our own levels. It still is a cool game.

When the Columbine High murders happened news outlets made sure to mention that the killers were fans of playing Doom. Since then it seems like a lot of people blame video games for everything wrong with society.

That is why I joke around and blame video games for all our woes.

I promise video games are not inherently evil. They don't create killers. I played video games all my life and I have never hurt anybody.

21 April 2008

Gym Class / Running in the Halls

When I was in High School I thought it was lame that gym was a required class. I used to think that the district was overstepping their authority by making me take it. They want to make sure I get enough exercise? Who is watching their exercise? Next thing they will want to make sure I am eating right too. Oh wait they did do that as well. With the school lunch/breakfast programs and it seems like someone was always trying to replace the candy in the vending machines with healthy snacks.

After I got home from school I would hangout with my friends. We played basketball, football, Frisbee, tennis, skateboarding, biking and ran a lot to get away when we pulled pranks or threw water balloons at cars.

Now I think kids get home from school and either sit in front of the computer, the television, the video game console or maybe even do homework.

Because of this I have changed my mind about gym being a required class. Not only should gym be required, I would take it even further and suggest that they encourage kids to run in the halls. That would give a kid 9 times a day to get a little cardiovascular workout. Students and Faculty would probably have to wear helmets and pads to avoid injury, but I think the benefits outweigh the risks.

But remember no "Running With Scissors".

17 April 2008

Uppercase and the Upper Class

i went to my daughters kindergarten orientation tonight. they gave us hints of things we could do to prepare our children for school. one of the things they said was not to teach your kid to right their names all in one case.

it made me wonder why we even have capital letters and small letters. whats the point? the only real reason is to show that something is important. like a persons name or the title of something. i think they were created by someone who needed to feel important.

look at the states, the most important city in the state is the capitol city. the 'most important' letters are capitals.

capital letters are stuck-up. they think they are better than the lowercase letters. i bet if you were a lowercase letter that was attracted to an uppercase letter its parents would disapprove of you. they probably wouldn't let their uppercase progeny date a lowercaser.

if you are a lowercase letter you come from the wrong side of the sentence. lowercase is equal to lower class. uppercase is equal to upper class. its the whole caste system in linguistics.

i think the time has come to streamline the alphabet by doing away with capital letters. capitalism was a great system in its hay day, but i think its time to overthrow the uppercase.

power to the people.

13 April 2008

Hey, Teacher. Leave Us Kids Alone.

I remember from first grade an experience that still bothers me today. My teacher had me go to the other first grade teachers coat closet to find my coat. While I was in there I bump a box of wood blocks and one fell on the floor. The teacher yelled at me and made me sit in the corner of her classroom. I felt so wronged.

Well the kids nowadays don't take that kind of crap from teachers anymore. They organize.

In WAYCROSS, GA nine students who were mad at their teacher planned to get even with her. They brought in a broken steak knife, a crystal paper weight, toy handcuffs, several items and tape and stuff.

She must have really made the kids upset for them to actually plan out an attack and then actually bring the stuff to do it.

While I am not condoning violence, I think there is a lesson to be learned here.

Jesus said, "Whoso shall offend one of these little ones which believe in me, it were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and that he were drowned in the depth of the sea" (Matthew 18:6).

I think it was a parable and he really meant "its better to be drowned in the depths of the sea than to have the kids hit you on the head with a paper weight, handcuff you and stab you with a broken steak knife.

It could just be that these were troubled kids anyway that have a distorted sense of reality. Probably from playing too many video games and listening to too much heavy metal and I am sure TV violence is in there somewhere. Maybe they weren't held enough as babies, or maybe held too much and of course the video games, video games, video games.

VIOLENCE IS NEVER THE ANSWER!!! Besides, that first grade teacher who scarred me for life is already dead. She seemed ancient when i was in school. She must have been a hundred when she finally died. Guess the devil was afraid of her too.

Here are some non-violent ways to get back at your teacher, because jail is a scary place for kids. Almost as scary as the FLDS compound.

Shade Hall, A Member of Mrs. Wolfe's 4th Grade Class at Wiggin Street School came up with these ideas:

1.) Follow her or him around. This bugs my teacher because you're supposed to be getting your work done, but you're not.

2.) Interrupt the teacher during math class, while she is teaching you another way to subtract, you could yell out "This is boring!"

3.) Walk around when class is going on. This bugs your teacher because you are supposed to be doing work.

4.) When your teacher tells you to get your stuff don't get it. Instead get it in class.

5.) Talk. Don't do any work.

6.) Ask to go to the restroom every five seconds. Your teacher will get mad because you are not doing work.

7.) Pretend you are sick for a long time, and if you don't get caught for a year, go on the last day so you get your report card.

8.) Pull all the books off the shelves. This bugs my teacher because if she does not catch you, she has to pick it up.

9.) Sleep during class. I have never done this because it is always noisy.

10.) Run in the class room. This really bugs my teacher. I wrote this book because all this stuff really bugs my teacher.

30 March 2008

Cat on the Cob

Recently we have all heard that there is a wheat shortage this year. I have heard the reason for this is because wheat farmers have stopped growing wheat and switched to corn to be used for ethanol. There is a subsidy being paid for the corn so of course farmers switched.

What I have read about corn ethanol claims that its costs almost $2 a gallon to produce and that it doesn't make a very good fuel anyway. At first I thought that was a bad thing because all of our corn supply also would end up being diverted to corn ethanol. But then I found out somethings about corn.

Corn is bad for you. Most everything we eat now days has High Fructose Corn Syrup in it and livestock is fed mostly corn. In the 1980s scientist started discovering that grains, grain-based foods, and grain-fed livestock products are the root cause for most if not all of today's major chronic diseases (body failings): Cancer, depression, obesity, allergies, autoimmune diseases such as lupus and arthritis, diabetes, asthma, and more.

Amazingly, the worst grain is corn! Not only does it have the worst fatty acid profile (Omega-6 to Omega-3 ratio) of nearly all grains (which skews the fat balance in the membranes of all animal body cells negatively impacting cell function), but it is also a fungal host to 22 different fungi including Aspergillus. Some of these fungi put out body debilitating mycotoxins that can literally kill animals and people. (see Texas grass fed beef website)

I support the president in his new campaign to steer clear of corn raised beef and all other corn products and start eating healthy grass feed cats. Hope this information will help convince you to do the same. Pass the butter please.

(PETA, I am just kidding. Please don't eat your cats.)

26 March 2008

Takin' Care of Business while Takin' Care of Business

This afternoon I ate lunch at my desk. It was around one o'clock and I had already downed 3 diet mountain dews. Nature being the way it is I went for a stroll to the porcelain cubicle. As I approached the urinal I could hear talking in the stall.

Had this been some crazy person talking to themselves I think I would have ignored it. It turns out though that it was someone talking on the phone while they were takin' care of business. I guess they were takin' care of business while they were takin' care of business.

This must be the busiest person in the world. They don't even have time to make a phone call during the day. They have to do it while they take a potty break.

I wonder if you are talking to an important business contact on the throne how you would explain some of the noises that are sure to come up in the back ground. "I don't mean to drop this load on you..ahh Its a lot of responsibility. I know your work load is heavy but if you could just squeeze out...ewe ah...a little more productivity we could meet our numbers this month...frip... oh that was just a car driving by...water? Just turned on the wiper blades.

I have decided a couple of things from this experience. 1. Never ever ask someone if you can borrow their cell phone for any reason. 2. I know how germs are spread so easy. Contaminate hands, contaminate phone, wash hands, reuse phone, recontaminate hands.

23 March 2008

Comcast Tests DVR That Watches You... Literally

I was reading this article about a DVR that has a camera in it and it reminded me of the Telescreens in George Orwell's book 1984.

Does this seem like a good idea to anybody? The fact that anyone is working on this is strange in of itself.

I mean on an innocent level I don't want anyone watching me pick my nose or scratching an itch. But on a more serious note who will be watching these cameras? Do I really want some stranger knowing when I am home or not? Dennis Raider the BTK Killer installed security systems for a living. Tell me that's not a conflict of interest.

So much for my dream of having a DVR near the bathtub. I can see it now. "Hey, Kavorka. Enjoyed the video of you taking a bath on youtube. Can you do us a favor and loose a few pounds? Oh and the boss would like to talk to you."

I already have a DVR in my bedroom. Guess I could place tape over the lens. How will they get people to put these things in their houses. People hate that feeling that their being watched. I think that's one of the rights mentioned in the Declaration of Independence:

"We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness without that creepy feeling that you are being watched."

Anyway I don't think any amount of free programming or free equipment could make me change my mind.

But if you want me to monitor the Telescreens at supermodels houses, I'll do it for free.

13 March 2008

Japan Experiments with Whale/Cow Crossbreed

According to this article Japan has experimented with attempts to crossbreed a cow and a whale.

My first thought is wow how they gonna milk that thing? It would be great to get so much milk from just one cow, but you would need a big machine to milk it.

If it lives in the sea would the milk taste fishy? If it roamed the land watch out, you think cow patties are bad now. You could get lost in one of these babies.

Then there are those steak houses that have a big steak that you can eat for free if you can finish it. Well kiss those days goodbye. No one can eat a 1000 pound steak.

I could with enough A1, but who makes a bottle that big?

11 March 2008

Belt Buckles the Size of Plates

So the other day I saw a guy with a buckle the size of a plate. Me being that practical guy that I am, I thought man someone really should make a belt buckle plate.

You could have belt buckle base that would contain a really strong magnet. Then there would be a plate with a nice engraving on the front. On the back you could have a place for a spoon, fork and knife to hook on.

When you went to a restaurant you could just rip the plate away from the magnet and grab the silverware off the back and set your place at the table.

Just think about the looks you would get from the ladies. That's a real man that carries his plate on his belt buckle. You probably don't want to know my idea of where you store the cup. But it can double as..well a cup.

Dinner is served.

07 March 2008

Day Light Savings Suggestion

So I was talking with one of my friends at the bus stop about day light savings time and how it sucks losing an hour of sleep.

I personally don't understand why we still follow it. But we came up with an idea that I think will take the edge off the whole situation.

In the spring when we have to loose an hour, we should do it during the week. Probably about 4PM on a Friday would be good. You would be sitting at your desk trying to make it through that last hour of work and through the power of day light savings its suddenly 5PM. Hello weekend.

Brilliant. The Day light savings experience goes from something bad that gets people down, to a sort of holiday. Since you would clock in at 8 and clock out at 5 you would get paid for that hour that you didn't work too.

I wonder if any of the presidential canidates have that as part of their platform?

01 March 2008

Energy Pollutions

So I am hearing a lot about Energy Solutions wanting to bring waste from Italy to Utah. I am trying to understand why?

It seems to me the only reason you would dump waste from another community into your own community is if there were a whole lot of money in it for you. Even better if you could dump it in someone elses community and make a lot of money off it.

There is no good reason besides making money to dump other peoples waste here. If the waste makes it here it will just be proof that a lot of people were paid off. How can a government by the people for the people see any logical argument for dumping other peoples crap here? If its our garbage we deserve to wallow in it, but let Italy keep their own waste.

And while I am talking about "Energy Soulutions" formerly "Envirocare"... Why did they change their name? Did people start to realize that they do the opposite of caring for the enviroment? Or did they just get enough bad press that they decided to change it? Having our basketball team play at the Energy Solutions Arena is almost as big of a joke as the "Isotopes" on the "Simpsons".

I guess dumping hazardous waste is one "Solution" to energy. Its not the best one I can think of, but I guess its more honest then using the name "Envirocare".

22 February 2008


I have been thinking about scratch-and-sniff stuff lately. I used to love that stuff. Stickers and books that had little pictures that you would scratch and then you could smell them and they would smell like the picture.

One of my friends pointed out that they always seemed to have a skunk one on whatever it was. Who wants to smell that.

Wikipedia says that the sense of smell is easily stored in long-term memory and that it has a strong connection to emotional-memory. So I wonder why they don't use scratch-and-sniff in text books. I would become a genius overnight. If someone wrote a novel and added scratch-and-sniff pictures I bet it would be an instant classic.

Manufacturers should put a scratch-and-sniff on the outside of their products. Imagine if you were shopping at the grocery store and you wondered if you might like a certain flavor of ice cream. You could scratch-and-sniff it and get a pretty good idea of what it might taste like.

Probably don't need scratch-and-sniff diapers, meat or that kind of thing. But then nobody is forcing you to actually scratch the thing.

I look forward to the day when scratch-and-sniff technology will be rediscovered. I just hope the technology isn't being suppressed by the olfactory challenged.

11 February 2008

What to look for in a girl? Hot tattoos?

So I have been riding the bus for quite awhile now and I know a lot of people on the bus from all walks of life.

I like that about the bus. The one thing it helps me remember is that mine is only one perspective on life.

When I was dating I was looking for a woman that I thought would be a good mother, responsible and of course attractive.

But you can see from the following is a conversation I had with one of my fellow bus patrons.

That mine is only one perspective on what to look for in a girl.

fellow bus rider:
"I hope this girl I met is here today."
me: "Oh you met a girl on this bus?"
fellow bus rider: "Yeah, she has really hot tats."
me: "hmm yea, that's what I look for in a woman, nice tats."
fellow bus rider: "Oh cool there she is."
me: "Good luck."

If that isn't love at first sight I don't know what is. It almost brought a tear to my eye seeing this
young couple falling in love.