21 December 2007

National Homicidal/Suicidal Maniac Registry

So I was thinking I should start a national registry to hook up people who are suicidal with serial killers. I it would help to take away the negative stigma attached to serial killers. They could be thought of as part of the service industry, like garbage collectors or plumbers or something like that.

If you are inexperienced and try to kill yourself you may bungle the thing up. What if you just manage to leave yourself physically or mentally handicapped. If you think your were unhappy before try life with only half a head. It would free up a lot of space in prison too.

06 December 2007

Sparking Up a Conversation

This morning while waiting at the bus stop with my bus buddies I heard a terrible sound. It was like someone dragging silverware across the floor only at 35 miles an hour. I looked up and saw an Albertsons truck and underneath it there were sparks flying everywhere. They were spraying out 3 feet from either side of the under carraige. As the truck went by you could see a grocery cart stuck underneath it. It looked pretty cool.
Next time you are in the grocery store and you get a cart that pulls slightly to one side or squeaks miserably, maybe you shouldn't be too upset. That poor grocery cart has probably been through a whole lot more than you might imagine.
Anyway it was the topic of conversation on the journey to work today.

16 October 2007

Girls go to Jupiter to get More Stupider

So the other day when I sat down on the bus I noticed a young girl holding a ball. It was a big orange and red globe made from paper. I said, "What is that." She said, "Its Jupiter. I had to make it for a report I am doing for a class at school." My friend on the bus asked, "So what do you know about Jupiter?" Her reply was so funny I laughed in front of her. She said, "I don't know. I am just going to look something up on the internet in my first period class."

Hope she doesn't become a doctor when she grows up.

05 October 2007

Smoke `em if ya got 'em....Please!

So this morning on the bus I was sitting up at the front just before the seats that are facing the opposite direction. An old lady got on and sat in front of me. Its the closest you can sit to someone on the bus with out sitting on their lap.

My first thought was whew this lady smells like cigarette smoke. Man its pretty over powering. Then a little breeze blew a little smell over that was worse. Sour old lady smell. Whew. I don't know if being old makes you smell more, or if its just harder to get bathed. But I was happy for the smokey smell to settle back in.

I remember an episode of M.A.S.H. where Charles was trying to learn more about what happened when people died. A man is dying in front of him and he asks him to describe whats going on. The man said, "I smell bread baking". Maybe heaven smells like baking bread. I imagine hell will smell like the bus: smoke, alcohol, B.O. and Urine.

If you want a preview of hell ride the bus.

03 October 2007

Prejudice in the Fat-shion Industry

I was shopping in my favorite grocery store the other day and I noticed they were selling sports shirts for the local college teams. As I was browsing through them I noticed that they were charging $2.00 extra for the bigger sizes. While I expect the evil empire Wal-mart to do something like this to make more money it broke my heart to see my beloved little grocery store do the same.
You may think its logical because it takes more fabric to make a bigger shirt. If that were so then shouldn't they charge less money for baby clothes?
I just think its a way to squeeze another couple dollars out of the wallet of the portly person. I think it is a sad day when the man tries to stick it to their corpulent customers. Its just another prejudice against the fat.

Fat people of the world unite and take over!

27 September 2007

Dead Skin and Dander

Since it has turned to fall the temperature is harder to predict. The bus no longer runs the airconditioning in the evening on the way home. But its pleasant outside and I enjoy getting the breeze from outside coming in through the window. It seemed to me that it would also be healthier breathing fresh air than the musty air of the bus with the windows closed.

But as I look around the bus I start to wonder if thats really true. When I see the wind blowing through someones hair across the bus from me I wonder if I am breathing in that persons dead skin and hair particles. I will probably get hepatitis or some flesh eating bacteria. I guess I could get lice from the seats.

Life is too short to worry about all that. So bring it on. It will just strengthen my immune system until I am unstoppable.

World domination will soon be mine!

06 September 2007

For all intents and purposes

So on my bus ride home last night the guy sitting across from me starts crouching down all weird. I am thinking, "What's wrong with this guy?". Then I can see he is pulling a Budweiser out of his backpack and pouring it into his McDonalds softdrink cup. I thought it was funny because he wasn't very sly about it and he reeks of alcohol already.

Of course the bus always smells like alcohol anyway. I mean really, how do you think people get around who have had their licenses taken away for drinking and driving.